Things You Should Not Say To A Trans Person
When you meet a transgender person for the first time (or any other time), you really need to remember to be sensitive. Whether they have only just begun their transition, or whether they are fully transitioned, respectful conversation is very much advised. Here are a few things you should definitely not say to a trans person.
Dead Naming
If you knew the person before they began their transition, you may know them by their old name. Hopefully you would already be aware of their desired name, and need to ensure you use it. Every time a transgender person is ‘dead named’ it is a reminder, not only of how they were before coming out, but also a reminder that not everyone sees them as the person they are and should have always been. It can be extremely hurtful, and adds to their dysphoria. Make sure you use the right name, it’s not rocket science!
Correct Pronouns
Pronouns are the easiest thing to muck up on, especially if you knew the person before they came out. However, when it comes down to it, it’s a simple matter of respect to make sure that the correct pronouns are used. Depending on your relationship with the transgender person, it may be okay to ask their pronouns, but if you are not able to, just make sure you do not need to or alternatively, use gender neutral pronouns like they/them. For example, if you were not alone when meeting your transgender friend, you may be introducing them and maybe sharing stories. In this instance, if you aren’t sure of pronouns, it would be best to either refer to them as they or them, or quite simply by using their name. It’s a matter of respect, get it right!
Can I Touch Your…?
NO! No you blooming well can’t! Just stop right there! Yes, the appearance of a transgender person may be intriguing to some people, with wigs, prosthetic fillers etc whilst body parts change and hair grows, but what the flipflop!? No-one has the right to inappropriately touch anyone, especially someone who is probably already very aware of how they may stand out and already may feel really uncomfortable in some situations. Breasts, hair, private parts, ass, and chests, are not there for you to fondle, stroke and touch unless you are invited to! STOP IT!
So, Are You Gay?
This is a complicated one. Sometimes, coming out as transgender may mean a person is now gay as they may go from being seen as a man with a woman and now they are a woman with a woman. I know it’s a lame example, but you get it right? Just because someone’s external gender may change, it doesn’t automatically mean their sexuality will. Granted, some trans folk may have also been hiding a sexual urge that they’ve never divulged, but it doesn’t normally happen unless there was already an underlying mix of sexuality. Remember, gender and sexuality are two very different things.
Have You Got A D!*k?
You’d be amazed at how many trans folk have shared stories of how strangers have asked about what is in their pants. Honestly, go away and educate yourself you jerks! What any person has between their legs, whether they are trans or otherwise, is nobody’s business but their own. If you enter into a sexual relationship with them, then maybe someday you will be lucky enough to share in their glory bits, but until then, keep your stupid, invasive questions to yourself.
Are You Going To Have Surgery, You Know, Down There?
Again, this is another of those questions which people think is okay to ask trans people. Some transgender people are more than happy to share details of their journey with the world, with those like us sharing some information as well as some intimate details. But the details of surgery options they may or may not have are theirs and theirs alone. A trans person’s journey is unique to them too, just because one trans woman wants a breast augmentation, facial feminisation surgery, hip implants and vaginoplasty, doesn’t mean that every trans woman does, some may not even have HRT, and that does not make them any less valid.
When Did You Decide To Be Trans?
Being transgender is not a choice or decision. The only decision made is that of coming out. It is a choice which can be terrifying as trans people face so much hate, discrimination and loss, but they are not choosing to be trans. If transgender people were asked if they had the choice to be trans or cisgender, I reckon most would not choose to be trans due to how much hate and struggle goes along with being an out transgender person. The day a trans person figures out who they really are, and why they may have felt so mixed up before, is a very enlightening day. It is also scary however as they will know that the journey will not be easy, and they then have the decision to make as to how, when and who to come out to.
I Feel Like The Person I Knew Is Dead
This is such a selfish thing to say, and a prime example of what you should not say to a trans person. A trans person coming out to you should be celebrated. The fact that they feel they can trust you that much with such information in their most fragile of days is beautiful. Then to have this comment thrown at them is so hurtful and selfish. There may be some level of adjustment, changes in pronouns and social behaviour, but they are still the same person. In fact, they are more themselves than ever now, and you need to embrace it. Embrace the changes, champion them every step of the way, and protect them when they are met with hate out and about. They are not dead, they are more alive than ever before, and probably need you by their side.
You Don’t Need Surgery
This is not for you to say. You may think that your trans female friend is beautiful, or your trans male friend is butch, but that doesn’t mean that they feel the same way about themselves. They may have been fighting with years of dysphoria and hate for their own appearance, a lack of connection with their physical bodies, and surgery may be the only option for them to get some real closure. The surgery may also help protect them from hate on the streets. If a trans person doesn’t ‘pass’ in the world as their presented gender, they can be met with abuse, violence and more so now than ever, death. They also may not be able to get the surgery they need with their healthcare and may need to raise money for private surgery. When you can, help them by donating or sharing their fundraising pages, this will mean so much to them. (Check out Zoey’s gofundme if you can).
How Do You Have Sex With Each Other?
If the transgender person is in a relationship, some people take their inquisitive nature to the next level and start prying into the sexual details of the couple. DON’T! If a trans person comes out whilst already in an established relationship, the dynamics of the relationship may change and the journey that they go on, they will go on together. This could mean that your prying may be a sore subject that is being worked through in their relationship and could cause upset. Once again though, this kind of information is not for anyone else but those in the relationship.
Oh My God You Look So Amazing, Oh You’re So Gorgeous, I Love Your Hair, I Love Your Head, I Love…
When you meet a trans person, giving compliments is nice, don’t get me wrong, but there is a limit to a compliment, and at a point, it just gets creepy and cringey. Think about how you would compliment another cisgender person and use that as reference in your mind. I’m not saying to not compliment, no way, it is so nice to receive a compliment regardless of gender, sexuality or religion, but too much can feel forced.
Try, ‘I love your eye make up!’ OR ‘Your dress is so pretty!’ but NOT both.
It can get to the point where it seems ingenuine and like you are making a point to just boost the trans person’s confidence. It will not. One or two compliments are enough, any more can make the trans person feel uncomfortable and like you do not really mean it. Less is more!
What’s Your ‘Real’ Name?
Holy dick! My real name is ‘shut the fuck up!’ Honestly now, how rude?! The name a transgender person gives you IS their ‘real’ name. Whatever name was given to them at birth is now resigned. It may not be forgotten and may also hold a lot of bad memories, so don’t ask any questions about it. Alright?!
You Don’t Look Trans
I wouldn’t really know how to take this. What does ‘looking trans’ mean? Do you mean they look like the gender they are? Do you mean the trans woman doesn’t look like a man or the trans man doesn’t look like a woman? Whatever you’re trying to say, just be careful and maybe try to think about your words before they leave your mouth. Give a compliment or two if you feel like it, but don’t question their transness or their validity. They are who they are, they look how they look, deal with it!
You Looked Better As A Man/Woman
I know right, you are surely think what the flipflop? no-one would say this right? Wrong! It may not be directly said to a transgender person, but it shouldn’t be said at all. It may not be the exact words used, and maybe somewhere in the comment there is some love and care, but holy crap, keep that shit to yourself!
At the end of the day, transgender people have it tough, especially those who only figure themselves out later in life. Years of the wrong hormones, living a lie, forcing themselves to be something they are not can do lots of mental and physical damage to them. To have disrespectful comments and questions from small minded or simply people who do not think before they speak can cause even more unnecessary damage and hurt. Just be kind, be respectful, and if you want to learn something about transgender people, go away and do your own research. Read blogs like this, head to Youtube, Instagram, and learn from other trans folk! Just figure out your own shit in your own time before you think about going out and upsetting someone who may be feeling a bit vulnerable already.
If you’ve been reading this then you are on the right track and most likely not the kind of person to purposely upset a trans person, and you’re doing the right thing. You are educating yourself and making sure that next time you meet your trans friend or family member, you will be more prepared and able to be a better person for them. Someone who will support and respect them through possibly one of the toughest journeys they will ever go on.
Further Resources
Helping Your Trans Teen by Irwin Krieger
Transgender Health by Ben Vincent
My Life, Your Life: Understanding Transgender – My Life, Your Life by Honor Head
Thank you for reading this post. Why not check out some of my other posts like 5 Things to Help Ahead of Your Transgender GRS Surgery you can also access more info on my Resources Page. If you found it useful, you can buy a coffee or perhaps treat yourself to some KelZo Jewellery to say thanks! Don’t forget to follow on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook, and you can also donate to Zoey’s fundraiser.
