Coming Out as Transgender to My Wife

Back in 2018, all I could think about was coming out as transgender to my wife, Kelly. It plagued me for months and I dove into the internet in search of ways to do it, and some positive stories. Read on to find out how it went for me…

Coming Out as Transgender to My Wife

I had been in relationships before meeting Kelly, but had never felt truly comfortable in any of them. Kelly was incredible! I fell so hard in love with her when we met, that it hurt sometimes. I couldn’t see myself with anyone else ever again! We married in 2008, and had our two children, (George and Molly) by the end of 2010. Following that we had many wonderful years together.

Off to University

When I returned to University to study, I had much more time on my hands than usual. It left me with my thoughts and feelings a lot of the time. Thoughts about being a woman were always in my mind, but were never given enough credit or consideration. This was due to up-bringing, social groups I had been part of, and my own denial. Sitting around the campus led me to taking myself out of myself. I began looking at who I was and who I wanted to be. I thought long and hard about all of the things I had been through and felt during may life. When my research led me to the term ‘transgender‘, I knew I had figured it all out.

My feelings got pushed away, then they came back. I tried again but it only led me into darkness and bad relationships with food. Then I knew I had to come out as transgender to Kelly, my wife, my love, my world.

The Research Began

I looked into all the different stories and videos and articles I could find; digging in the hope that someone somewhere would have answers for me. I would search all sorts. Things like ‘how to come out as trans to your partner’, and ‘how to come out to your family’. I also searched ‘telling my wife I’m transgender‘, and more, the list went on and on!

Nothing related to me though. Or at least so I thought! With every story I found of coming out to your wife as transgender, I was met with relationship break downs. With loss of children, loss of friends and jobs and lifestyle. All I could find was despair! Why were there no positive stories? Where was the happy ending?

Would it All End in Disaster For Us?

Kelly loved me, this was a given. I knew she was more open minded about the world than anyone I had ever encountered, but that fear ate away at me. What if she couldn’t do it? What if she left me, or never spoke to me again and took the kids away from me? Then I realised, she wouldn’t do that, she would never be that mean. Even if she could no longer be with me, I know she wouldn’t stop me seeing the kids, and I know in some way she would support me.

I Tried to Tell Her

Over the course of 2018, I tried so hard to tell her that I wanted to come out as transgender and be a woman on the outside, somehow trying to align the outer with the inner. I began wearing nail polish (I love Rimmel and Barry M!) and eye liner, (Check out my makeup tips post to see some of my favourites!) but although this may have been a shock to some wives out there if their husband did it, I had done it before! Being the lead singer for a rock band, I had always experimented with bits like eyeliner and nail polish so although it was maybe a little more intense, it didn’t seem too out of place.

Wanting to dress as female characters a lot more when we took part in fancy dress parties, I was often trying to make myself look as beautiful as I possibly could (never really got the hang of it though!) in the hope that firstly, I would feel more like a woman on the outside, and secondly that Kelly might notice.

I dressed as a glamorous witch (wasn’t that glam) for halloween, getting a wig and really trying to beautify myself beneath the added gory face paint. I remember sitting in the club towards the end of the night shaking, trying to find the right moment to tell Kelly I was trans… It didn’t come, and I sucked it back in for a short while more.

Ten Year Wedding Anniversary

Then came our ten year wedding anniversary where I dressed as a 1980s themed roller skate girl (with a beard) and was in my element! I wore a tutu, leggings, a big curly wig and make up and I loved it! I loved that I was accepted by my friends and family and it gave me hope that it would be ok.

After the party we headed into a club with some friends and I thought to myself, ‘this is it, I’m gonna tell her tonight!’, but I didn’t. The nerves overtook me, and I couldn’t stop drinking and it made me feel so sick that we had to get out of there and home to bed.

What Next?

How would I do it? How could I come out as transgender to my wife Kelly? The thought of writing a letter, sending a text, making a video or sound recording, crossed my mind. I was so lost and falling deeper into this pit of despair.

It got to New Years Eve and I knew I had to tell her. Over and over it had been put off because of different things that were happening in our life, but I knew, even with it being New Year, even with it being Kelly’s birthday in a day, I had to tell her, I just had to.

But how?

New Years Eve 2018/19

Kelly was encouraged (by me) to get dressed up for the day and to help me get dressed up too, in some of her clothes! I really wanted to feel glammed up and beautiful and needed to feel in the right place to have the dreaded conversation. She helped me, we opened some Prossecco, then began to prepare some snacks and other food for our home party. (We were just waiting for Kelly’s Mom to arrive)

Just before Kelly’s Mom arrived, Kelly looked at me funny and asked me to sit down.

‘Oh…’

‘My…’

‘God!’

‘This is it!’

‘What the heck am I gonna say?’

I was so petrified, I knew it was coming, I knew she knew, what was she going to say? Then came the question…

‘Yes’ I nodded,

…

…

It was out. I was out.

No More Secrets

All the secrets explained, all the anger and sadness and everything that had seemed odd with me of late had a reason. She cried, I cried, we drank, we talked, and talked, and talked.

We must have spent the next month or two up until the early hours of the morning chatting about everything, how long I had felt this way, how far I wanted to go, whether we would stay together.

We connected in a way I never thought possible in those weeks, no secrets between us, a true, honest, full disclosure. It was so freeing and beautiful.

It took some time, and I’m not gonna lie, there were times when we were unsure how it would or could ever work out, but that wasn’t because of us and how we felt. The negative thoughts had grown from the stories we had both read online, those of break downs and failure. We were not them, we were and still are, Kelly and… Zoey.

I Was Extremely Lucky

Coming out as transgender to my wife Kelly was difficult. I don’t know if it would have worked out if things would have happened differently at a different time, but we worked it out, and we continue to grow stronger every day.

We knew that we had married each other and our souls had entwined themselves together, always fated to be united. No matter what this world may throw at us, we will prevail, because we are in love with each other, not the body, but the heart, the mind and soul.

If you are thinking of coming out as transgender to your wife or partner, I wish you the best of luck and send you so much love. Things will be hard, they will be different, they will require talk! Be honest, be open, be willing to take things slowly or at least at each others pace. Compromise and understand each other, you have been living with this for a long time which hurts and the thought of now being able to embrace it will make you want to rush and push forward, but this is probably a totally a new idea to your partner. They will need time to adjust just as much as they will need to give you time to figure yourself out. Work together and find your new balance.

Just understand that although you will find a lot of negative stories online, not all relationships have to end that way, we (at the very least) are an example of how things can be positive and work out. Be honest, be kind and be you.

If you need anyone to talk to, please get in touch. You can also follow our story on Instagram and join our family on Facebook!

Zoey xxx