Don’t Presume Anyone’s Sexuality! It’s Just Not Cool

I have wanted to write this for a while, because I feel so passionate about who we are as people, regardless of society’s presumptions. I often feel like my sexuailty is presumed, based on my relationship at the time, and I kinda wanted to open up a dialogue about it to find out if I’m not alone…

Don’t Presume Anyone’s Sexuality! It’s Just Not Cool

When I was 18 I thought I was gay. I remember kissing a girl for the first time and feeling all these feelings… I remember writing letters to everyone, people I worked with, friends, telling them how realising, and admitting, my attraction to women made me feel free…

I remember this sense of calm, this sense of knowing who I was in telling the world this news. Obviously I was met with various responses. Some people were excited, some people thought it was a ‘phase’, female friends started to worry I’d fancy them. You often hear of it with men, but I had it with women (I( still giggle at the thought). Some people decided to call me a dyke and one guy (who I’d recently kinda – regrettably – dated) threatened to kill me…

Typical coming out story I guess?!!!! Probably not, but hey, I’ve never lived a dull life.

I remember hot summer days crushing on a redhead girl (who wasn’t gay or bi or remotely attracted to me). I remember softer kisses and dancing until it was time for work the next day. I remember being welcomed into a community full of colour and vibrancy, a community of pure acceptance (even before I ‘came out’), and I remember my parents coming to gay bars and slowly accepting the life I hadn’t chosen, but the life that had chosen me.

You don’t choose to be gay, or bi or trans, or anything, do you? (That’s a whole other blog post). These feelings, these attractions, they’re in us already, they’re who we ARE, not who we want to be…

So I came out, and I celebrated. With beer. With men. With women. With drag queens.

Then, one not so special day, I realised I was still attracted to men. Maybe it was because I’d re-watched Heathers, or maybe it was seeing Tom Selleck on Friends, I dunno… But something made me go, ah… Right… Okay… So I like both…

Of course, bisexuals are often met with one word – GREED. We’re all greedy. We want all the men and all the women, and then some. But it’s not true, and again, it’s not a choice.

Years later and I married Zoey, had two children and we were this little ‘normal’ straight family with a dog to boot. I didn’t advertise my previous experiences, I didn’t introduce myself, ‘Hi, I’m Kelly and I’m bisexual!’. People just presumed I was a straight white woman, and that kinda smarts.

Then, as you know, Zoey came out. She jokes now and again that she’s unleashed my inner lesbian, and we laugh. But maybe she’s kinda right. I feel like I’m more myself than ever. I feel like I’m home…

But I still think people think I’m pansexual or gay by default of Zoey’s coming out, and that’s why I’m writing this.

I’m writing this to encourage people to NOT make assumptions. Just because a girl and a guy are together, married with kids, doesn’t mean they’re both straight. It doesn’t mean they haven’t experienced prejudice before settling into what society deems a ‘standard’ relationship. It doesn’t mean they haven’t kissed girls or boys, or anyone else on the gender spectrum. It doesn’t mean they don’t have feelings for the same sex even though they’ve never explored these feelings because of how their lives panned out…

So let’s open the conversation. Let’s talk about it. It’s only sexual attraction, right?! It’s nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, it’s something to be sooooo proud of.

So I’ll start…

I think I’m pansexual. I thought I was bisexual all my life, but since Zoey came out I think I’m pan, and I kinda like it. It feels mystical and magical, and I’m proud of it.

Your turn….

Also, if you’d like to see a little video about my thoughts on being pansexual, check my vlog out…